Hearts Laid Bare

As I am trying to explain our experiences, triumphs, and trials to loved ones back home, I struggle.  I feel as though there are so many words I want to say and many stories I want to share, yet I'm unable to find the right words.  Sometimes I feel like there is no true way to communicate what we our new life is like...it has to be experienced to be understood.  At times it is frustrating to be unable to truly share what is happening here with you all, but there is also something beautiful about it as we have grown to see it as an undeserved gift He has given us.  It would be a lie to say that there have been no tears, struggle, or pain since we arrived here; however, Father has been speaking two things to us during the past few months.  1) It is a privilege to experience life here (and at times struggle through it).  2) He is worth it.

Before we moved, we knew there would be challenges in facing a new culture and language in addition to the sp!ritual aspect of doing the Boss' work; however, I believe that no amount of training or guidance could fully prepare us for being here.  Although we have not faced trials here as heart-breaking and devastating as many of our brothers and sisters back home and around the world, it is true that our new life has brought struggle.  This move is something that we looked forward to since 2013, but upon arrival, I found myself homesick and lacking the passion that once consumed my heart for His work.  I now longed to be back in our college town, attending the fellowship that made us feel like family, and spending time going to our favorite restaurants with family and the life-long friends Father graciously provided for us during college.   Truly, these feelings terrified me...how could my passion for His recognition fade in light of homesickness and the sweet life I missed back home?  Wasn't I the one that just spent years telling the youth at our fellowship that He is worth anything?  What was wrong in my heart to make me so quickly want to abandon what He had spent years preparing us for? Not only did these feelings scare me, they became a gateway for the enemy to speak condemnation both of our hearts. C & I struggled for weeks with the ugliness of our hearts.  It seemed that coming here had stripped away the surface of who we are and revealed the depths of our hearts.  This new home brought out every insecurity, fear, selfish ambition, doubt, as well as every bit of vanity and materialism that remained in our lives; it truly felt as though we were laid bare, and it was not pretty.  It was a dark season, and I wrote our last blog post in the middle of it.  But oh how very thankful I am that Father does not leave us in our darkness, nor does He let the lies of the enemy remain in our hearts.

First, Father began to reveal to us how easy it is to idolize His good gifts in our lives.  This is not to say that His gifts are not to be rejoiced in; however, as soon as our hearts desire them above Him, we have a problem.  Before arriving, I knew that there were things/people I idolized at times; however, I did not see the extent to which I relied on them until they were stripped away and all that was left was Father.  It was scary and humbling to realize that when these things were stripped away, I became angry.  Maybe my f@ith in Father was less deeply rooted and my full dependence on Him less solid than I thought.  Over the last several weeks, Father has been gr@ciously helping me release the idols which I had clung to...to appreciate them as ble3sings rather than cling to them as necessities for joy. 

Furthermore, He has provided gr@ce upon gr@ce for us as our s!nful hearts continue to be revealed and s@nctified.  Although feelings of condemnation reigned in the beginning (and still creep in some days), Father reminded us through the truth of His Words that we are forgiven and loved, held in His palm, never to be released.  Through this process, we have grown thankful as we realized that it is a privilege for Father to bring us to a place where the depths of our souls are made new.  It would have been so easy for Him to leave us in our comfort rather than bring us to a place where most comforts are stripped away and He is all that remains.  We have continuously asked Him through the years to make us more like Him, to reveal our s!n and help us r3pent.  Perhaps we didn't expect the answer to our prs to be so difficult, but we began to realize that we were receiving exactly what we asked for!  Not only was He changing us, He brought us to a place in the world where there are more opportunities to be made like Him than we've ever experienced before.  What a great Father we have who doesn't leave us where we are!

Not only has Father used this move to reveal to us more and more who we are, we have seen His character in a new light.  As the depths of our hearts have been laid open we have seen Him as Patient.  As we miss loved ones and long for home, we have seen Him as Comfort.  As we need so desperately for Him to change our hearts, we have seen Him as R3deemer.  As He asked us to be a part of His work, only then to reveal our s!n (and still include us in it), we have seen Him as a Gift Giver.  The word privilege has been at the forefront of our minds the last several weeks.  Through the revelation of our hearts, we saw how truly undeserving we are to be apart of anything Good, yet Father has not only s@ved us, He has brought us to a place where He can grow us into deeper people and has invited us to go to work with Him everyday. 

One of the moments when I heard Father's voice most clearly was listening to a song I've known for years.  The lyrics are nothing new to me, yet when the song came on, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time.  Through it, Father reminded me that it is a privilege and it is worth it to be s@nctified by fire and to follow the only One who is worthy of being followed. 

Please lay down your arrows
For they're sure to pierce the skin
And water from a broken well
Will make you thirst again
When all things you've acquired
Are tested by the flames
And you can see them melting
Then will you call his name
It's worth it brothers
It's worth it friends
To know your maker
To lose your s!n
Did you know that you are dearly loved
To the slaughters you are being led
Being told that it's a party
That this G0d is in your head
And every single lie
Sounds just like the greatest truth
But the one truth you're not hearing
Is that he died for you
No greater joy
No greater peace
No greater love than this
It's worth it brothers
It's worth it friends
To know your maker
To lose your s!n
Did you know that you are dearly loved

(Dearly Loved, Jimmy Needham)

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your f@ith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in the pr@ise and gl0ry and h0nor at the revelation of (the Son)." 1Peter 3:6-7

Although the struggle does s@nctify us and prove our f@ith genuine, the trials ultimately lead to His gl0rification in our lives.   There is nothing more worth it, and by His gr@ce, we will remember this truth. 

Anchor for my Soul

Hi everyone,

The last month has been such a whirlwind of circumstances and emotions, and we would like to thank those of you who have contacted us to offer words of encouragement or have simply remembered us in your time with Dad.  We have said goodbye to literally everything and everyone we know.  I'm not sure than any number of months of preparation or pr can prepare you for that experience.  Our last Sunday at PA, our fellowship in San Angelo, was so bittersweet.  How special it was to be with our brothers and sisters who helped prepare us and encourage us in this journey; however, saying that many goodbyes in one day is something we never want to do again! 

Arriving in our new home and adjusting to life here has felt like a roller coaster at times.  At first, I (A) woke up homesick every single morning as the reality of being so far from family would hit me like a ton of bricks.  C struggled each day with a dark feeling of oppression.  Realizing that almost every face we see is the face of a lost soul as well as feeling pressure to care for me in a completely foreign context weighed on him more than ever.  There was never doubt in our minds that we are in the middle of His will; however, we were struggling to be joyful and at home here.  Although I never truly considered coming home, there certainly were moments when all I wanted was to be at home with familiar faces and comfortable surroundings.

Each day became easier and easier.  Small milestones encouraged us to keep pushing forward: our first scooter ride, first time buying groceries at the market, first time to order a meal for ourselves.  Things which were simple, everyday tasks in the States became things to celebrate when we accomplished them without making a spectacle of ourselves.

Approximately a week after arriving, we found an apartment.  For the past 7 months, we have been SO blessed to be invited into two different homes and cared for as family; however, we were so excited to find a place that we could make into our very own home.  As a woman, I think there is just something so sweet about setting up your home.  Preparing a place where we will welcome people into our lives and hopefully His Life was incredibly therapeutic for me.  C was also very sweet and patient with me as I chose to paint every room. We are choosing furniture this week and will hopefully be living on our own soon!!

On March 23, we began language school.  It has been exciting, overwhelming, and interesting trying to learn one of the hardest languages in the world.  Our "classroom" is a beautiful rooftop terrace that overlooks mountains and tea terraces.  Occasionally it rains so much during class that we have to move into the teacher's office.  As people who are used to tumbleweeds and dust, we have savored every minute of the beautiful weather and scenery!

Even in these triumphs and joys, there was something heavy lingering in our hearts.  Last Sunday, going into our time of fellowship, C & I were so hungry and desperate for Father.  Throughout singing time, I journaled with tears in my eyes as I was longing for His words and His presence.  Next to me, I could hear C singing with a strained voice.  For teaching time, we turned on a podcast from a teacher who I would occasionally listen to in the States and really like.  His lesson was over Gen 15 where Father made His covenant with Abram: to give him descendents as many as the stars as well as the land of Canaan.  Abram's response to this was, "O L0rd G0d, how am I to know that I will possess it?"  Abram did not say this in lack of f@ith, as verse 6 talks about how his belief was credited to him as r!ghteousness; however, I do believe that he needed his f@ith to be affirmed.  It appears that he needed reassurance that Father would follow through on His promises.  Oh, how perfectly I could relate!!!  That was exactly how I was feeling: knowing He is good and f@ithful yet needing an extra measure of gr@ce.

Although I had read the part of the passage which describes the covenant, I had never studied or fully understood the meaning of the sacrifice.  The teacher explained that establishing a covenant during this time meant acting out what was to happen if the promise was broken (in this case, the body of the carcass being broken and diminished).  Each party would pass through to represent their end of the bargain.  The teacher explained that the smoking fire pot and flaming torch which passed between the pieces signified the presence of G0d and that in Gen 15, He passes through alone.   Father promised to keep His end of the covenant otherwise His name would be diminished; He would no longer be the Promise-Keeper. 

In addition to this, the teacher pointed out that the more important question seemed to be, "How will I keep my end of the bargain?"  This was another thought that I could relate with as I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is good, yet I am always doubting whether or not I can actually be f@ithful & 0bedient.  So often my attitude is, "I will let me down.  I will let you down."  But isn't that the point?  The Presence passed through alone; therefore, upholding His part and Abram's part of the covenant.  In the same way that a broken covenant would require the breaking and diminishing of the guilty party, my breaking of the covenant required @tonement.  Father held up my end of the bargain for me, and in this I can rest! This is the Good News.


In this passage, Father does not promise Abram that everything will be simple; in fact, He promises that Abram's offspring will be sojourners and servants, afflicted for four hundred years.  Even so, the covenant stands.  I was so encouraged after listening to this teaching.  Although darkness and struggling had been looming, C & I rejoiced in knowing that Father already paid our price for breaking the covenant.  Now we can live as free, forgiven people, promised Life in Him.  This makes all struggles worth bearing.  This week, we are thankful that His promises stand.  We are secure in Him.  This is our anchor.  This is what keeps us grounded despite the waters which toss us to and fro (especially in a crazy place like SEA!).

Rejoicing in Him,

C&A

Hither by Thy Help I've Come...

Hey everybody!

I (Alex) am currently sitting on the bed in the room of the house that Father gave us 6 months ago.  I am overwhelmed by His faithfulness and the fact that He is the giver of very good gifts.  The last 2 years have been such a journey for Cam & I.  Abundant grace has allowed us to see Father's direction, hear His voice clearly, and be obedient to follow His lead. 

Throughout the process of preparing to answer His call to our new home, I have kept a journal of the many ways He has proved to be faithful.  I know that it will be important to meditate on His goodness in the past so that I can rest and trust Him with my future.  However, I don't want to keep Father's faithfulness and incredible works to myself during this time.  Isn't the whole point of faith to experience Him personally and then share that with others?

I want to share with our friends and family all of the sweet stories He gives us that together we might ALL worship and trust Him more.  Father put on my heart several months ago the idea of an Ebenezer.  It is the name of the stone Samuel set up as a reminder of the victory and deliverance Father gave to the Israelites in 1 Samuel 7.  The word Ebenezer is derived from Hebrew words which mean "stone of help"; therefore, an Ebenezer is something which reminds us that we have a faithful Helper.  In a sense, I want this blog to be for everyone what my journal has been to me, a reminder that we have only made it this far by His grace, and we can trust Him with our future. 

Father has had so many opportunities over the last couple years to show off His faithfulness, and I know that moving will only increase the struggle, therefore, allowing us to experience His power more and more.  One of the greatest struggles for us throughout this process was moving out of our apartment long before we planned to.  Our lease was up in August 2014, and we intended to sign another 6 month lease so that we could stay in our apartment until a couple of weeks before moving; however, we found out that the complex was raising our rent beyond our means.  We could afford to stay, but it would take every last penny we had.  Although I knew leaving the apartment and storing/selling our belongings was going to happen, I was not prepared for it to happen so soon.  Together, Cam & I struggled with which decision was the right one.  Should we renew our lease or put in 30 days notice even though we didn't have a clue where to find a cheaper place?

After many days of pr@yer, we knew that Father was leading us to put in our 30 days notice.  I cried many tears throughout the process of making the decision and I DID NOT want to move, but Father made it very clear that this was what we were supposed to do.  Once we let the apartment complex know we would be moving, we began calling everyone we knew to ask about M housing or just something in town that might be more affordable.  The more phone calls we made, the more discouraged we became as we reached one dead end after another.  I think I cried multiple times a day because I had not been emotionally prepared to leave our first home together.  Plus, I was afraid I would be leaving it for and RV parked in an alley (seriously.....it really was an option we were considering). 

I knew that even if Father called us to live in an alley RV, He would sustain us, teach us, and grow us; however, I have to admit that I wasn't necessarily happy about it.  Cameron kept telling me, "God gives good gifts, you just need to trust him."  Boy oh boy, was he right!  One day, I was having lunch with Cameron at work when a pastor from PaulAnn sat down to eat with us.  He asked what our needs were during this process, and we shared our need for housing with him.  About 2 days later, he invited us to live with him and his wife for the remainder of our time in SA!  We were unsure about it at first.  Cameron had never met his wife, and I hardly knew either of them, but we could not deny that it was Father's provision.  In September, we moved into their home; little did we know, we were inheriting a new set of parents.  Words cannot express how quickly we grew to love our new home and our sweet roomies.  Despite the fact that we hardly knew each other when we moved in, our personalities meshed perfectly, and we LOVED spending time together. 

I continue to be amazed at the INCREDIBLE gift we were given through our house parents and our new home.  Not only were we able to save money to put towards fundraising travels and enjoying the States, we had the opportunity to watch Godly people love each other, their kids, and their church family.  What an example and encouragement they have been to us! 

Now that we are 6 days away from leaving, I'm setting up an Ebenezer in my heart.   Thus far He has helped us....I know without a doubt that He will continue to do so.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing, 
tune my heart to sing thy grace; 
streams of mercy, never ceasing, 
call for songs of loudest praise. 
Teach me some melodious sonnet, 
sung by flaming tongues above. 
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, 
mount of thy redeeming love. 

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; 
hither by thy help I'm come; 
and I hope, by thy good pleasure, 
safely to arrive at home. 
Jesus sought me when a stranger, 
wandering from the fold of God; 
he, to rescue me from danger, 
interposed his precious blood. 

O to grace how great a debtor 
daily I'm constrained to be! 
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, 
bind my wandering heart to thee. 
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
prone to leave the God I love; 
here's my heart, O take and seal it, 
seal it for thy courts above.