Hearts Laid Bare

As I am trying to explain our experiences, triumphs, and trials to loved ones back home, I struggle.  I feel as though there are so many words I want to say and many stories I want to share, yet I'm unable to find the right words.  Sometimes I feel like there is no true way to communicate what we our new life is like...it has to be experienced to be understood.  At times it is frustrating to be unable to truly share what is happening here with you all, but there is also something beautiful about it as we have grown to see it as an undeserved gift He has given us.  It would be a lie to say that there have been no tears, struggle, or pain since we arrived here; however, Father has been speaking two things to us during the past few months.  1) It is a privilege to experience life here (and at times struggle through it).  2) He is worth it.

Before we moved, we knew there would be challenges in facing a new culture and language in addition to the sp!ritual aspect of doing the Boss' work; however, I believe that no amount of training or guidance could fully prepare us for being here.  Although we have not faced trials here as heart-breaking and devastating as many of our brothers and sisters back home and around the world, it is true that our new life has brought struggle.  This move is something that we looked forward to since 2013, but upon arrival, I found myself homesick and lacking the passion that once consumed my heart for His work.  I now longed to be back in our college town, attending the fellowship that made us feel like family, and spending time going to our favorite restaurants with family and the life-long friends Father graciously provided for us during college.   Truly, these feelings terrified me...how could my passion for His recognition fade in light of homesickness and the sweet life I missed back home?  Wasn't I the one that just spent years telling the youth at our fellowship that He is worth anything?  What was wrong in my heart to make me so quickly want to abandon what He had spent years preparing us for? Not only did these feelings scare me, they became a gateway for the enemy to speak condemnation both of our hearts. C & I struggled for weeks with the ugliness of our hearts.  It seemed that coming here had stripped away the surface of who we are and revealed the depths of our hearts.  This new home brought out every insecurity, fear, selfish ambition, doubt, as well as every bit of vanity and materialism that remained in our lives; it truly felt as though we were laid bare, and it was not pretty.  It was a dark season, and I wrote our last blog post in the middle of it.  But oh how very thankful I am that Father does not leave us in our darkness, nor does He let the lies of the enemy remain in our hearts.

First, Father began to reveal to us how easy it is to idolize His good gifts in our lives.  This is not to say that His gifts are not to be rejoiced in; however, as soon as our hearts desire them above Him, we have a problem.  Before arriving, I knew that there were things/people I idolized at times; however, I did not see the extent to which I relied on them until they were stripped away and all that was left was Father.  It was scary and humbling to realize that when these things were stripped away, I became angry.  Maybe my f@ith in Father was less deeply rooted and my full dependence on Him less solid than I thought.  Over the last several weeks, Father has been gr@ciously helping me release the idols which I had clung to...to appreciate them as ble3sings rather than cling to them as necessities for joy. 

Furthermore, He has provided gr@ce upon gr@ce for us as our s!nful hearts continue to be revealed and s@nctified.  Although feelings of condemnation reigned in the beginning (and still creep in some days), Father reminded us through the truth of His Words that we are forgiven and loved, held in His palm, never to be released.  Through this process, we have grown thankful as we realized that it is a privilege for Father to bring us to a place where the depths of our souls are made new.  It would have been so easy for Him to leave us in our comfort rather than bring us to a place where most comforts are stripped away and He is all that remains.  We have continuously asked Him through the years to make us more like Him, to reveal our s!n and help us r3pent.  Perhaps we didn't expect the answer to our prs to be so difficult, but we began to realize that we were receiving exactly what we asked for!  Not only was He changing us, He brought us to a place in the world where there are more opportunities to be made like Him than we've ever experienced before.  What a great Father we have who doesn't leave us where we are!

Not only has Father used this move to reveal to us more and more who we are, we have seen His character in a new light.  As the depths of our hearts have been laid open we have seen Him as Patient.  As we miss loved ones and long for home, we have seen Him as Comfort.  As we need so desperately for Him to change our hearts, we have seen Him as R3deemer.  As He asked us to be a part of His work, only then to reveal our s!n (and still include us in it), we have seen Him as a Gift Giver.  The word privilege has been at the forefront of our minds the last several weeks.  Through the revelation of our hearts, we saw how truly undeserving we are to be apart of anything Good, yet Father has not only s@ved us, He has brought us to a place where He can grow us into deeper people and has invited us to go to work with Him everyday. 

One of the moments when I heard Father's voice most clearly was listening to a song I've known for years.  The lyrics are nothing new to me, yet when the song came on, it was as if I was hearing it for the first time.  Through it, Father reminded me that it is a privilege and it is worth it to be s@nctified by fire and to follow the only One who is worthy of being followed. 

Please lay down your arrows
For they're sure to pierce the skin
And water from a broken well
Will make you thirst again
When all things you've acquired
Are tested by the flames
And you can see them melting
Then will you call his name
It's worth it brothers
It's worth it friends
To know your maker
To lose your s!n
Did you know that you are dearly loved
To the slaughters you are being led
Being told that it's a party
That this G0d is in your head
And every single lie
Sounds just like the greatest truth
But the one truth you're not hearing
Is that he died for you
No greater joy
No greater peace
No greater love than this
It's worth it brothers
It's worth it friends
To know your maker
To lose your s!n
Did you know that you are dearly loved

(Dearly Loved, Jimmy Needham)

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your f@ith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in the pr@ise and gl0ry and h0nor at the revelation of (the Son)." 1Peter 3:6-7

Although the struggle does s@nctify us and prove our f@ith genuine, the trials ultimately lead to His gl0rification in our lives.   There is nothing more worth it, and by His gr@ce, we will remember this truth.