Success

If moving to a far off land does anything for a person, it tests them to the core, or at least that has been the case for me.  A year ago, when we left all of our family and friends, everything we knew, all that was comfortable, I was broken as Father revealed how tightly my identity was wound up in all of the things and people I missed so much.  As complicated as dealing with things like identity, idols, and other deep issues of the heart are, it also brought a sense of simplicity to my life and my f@ith.  More complicated things didn't matter as much because I just needed J to get me through the day...sometimes the hour.  Throughout the last year, I’ve been frustrated that there are many idealistic phrases we use or Scr!ptures we commonly quote that I believe to be true but sometimes run past thinking I already know it.  Even worse, many of the Truths I know, I have never learned how practically live out. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how “the fear of the L0rd is the beginning of wisdom” and how to “trust Him with all my heart”, what it means to live simply and how identity plays out in day-to-day life. I know that I won’t learn or understand everything this side of eternity, but having so many things stripped away made me desperate to understand more deeply and practically the One thing that always remains.

Last month I read Prov. 3, the home of verses 5 & 6, two of the most quoted verses ever:

“5 Trust in the L0rd with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”  

They are great verses!  As I meditated on them, I thought a lot about what full trust and surrender look like practically.  In what ways am I not trusting Father with all of my heart?  Where are the big areas or little corners of my heart that I’ve fooled myself into thinking He has, but secretly have not allowed Him into yet? In what areas of my life do I forget to acknowledge Him as the glorious, perfect One that He is? To really take time to think about whether you have opened ALL of your heart and are FULLY surrendered is a sobering thing. 

One of the greatest ways I’ve failed to trust my whole life (but especially since being here) is in comparison. It’s a thing we all (especially women) know well.  I don’t know how many times I’ve told other people and myself that ”comparison is the thief of joy”.  Few statements are more true.  Maybe Teddy Roosevelt (or whoever said it first) had just finished watching his wife spend the day busy and frantically doing things that are supposed to bring joy.  I’ve emulated this as I’ve run around trying to figure out who I am in Asia. When we moved, my identity was shaken. I knew it was supposed to be in Chr!st, and before moving I would have told you that it was; however, I didn’t realize how much American culture had shaped my identity and, therefore, every part of my life . We had walked away from the American Dream, so what did ministry, friendship, marriage, and life took like in this context?  It became so easy to define myself by how my life compares with the lives of other Workers here. I've compared everything from homemade bread to outreach strategies.  What is the root of comparison?  For me, it comes down to wanting to be the best.  Wanting glory.  As I read Prov. 3, Father continued to speak to me about this big part of my heart that trickles into so many smaller areas of my life.  I was convicted but also not shocked about these revelations.  After all, how many ladies’ groups have I sat through where these issues—comparison and identity—were discussed. These are age old issues, but somehow I’ve never known where to start dealing with them. I wanted to know how my life can practically be different.  How can I learn to not seek glory?  How can this conviction lead to real change, not just an underlying issue that I write in my journal about for years but struggle to overcome? 

I felt like Father really answered those questions with verses 1-3:

 “1 My son do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, 2 for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. 3 Let not steadfast love and f@ithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.”  

Okay, so, practically…what are Father’s teaching & commandments?  Ultimately, everything in the Book points to J, His Good News, and His gl0ry, and the greatest commandment is to love him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. But how?  How can a person of such small faith like me, someone who struggles to trust in Him with all my heart obey this greatest commandment?  I have a tendency towards a do-more personality, call it Type A or whatever you want (I’m learning that we too often define ourselves by our personalities or tendencies rather than by the Truth of the Word and who it says we are).  I cannot do-more and will not trust Him more without verse 3.  Remembering his steadfast love and f@ithfulness changes everything.  When I acknowledge His loving promises and f@ithfulness to keep them, trusting becomes a more simple task.  Not always easy, but simple.  I will never be free from comparison or sure of my identity unless I remember Father’s love.  I imagine that binding the Truth around your neck and writing it on the tablet of your heart is a B!ble time version of writing it on a sticky note or (as in elementary school) on the palm of your hand because it’s THAT important to remember.  How many times a day do I fiddle with a necklace that is bound around my neck?  That many times a day I should meditate on the finished work of J. 

When I DO remember it, verse 4 follows:

 “4 So you will find favor and good success in the sight of G0d and man.” 

My first thought was “Ha!  Funny that it's exactly what I'm striving for in comparison."  Focusing on Father fulfills the things I deeply long for without the stress of comparing. That's not a surprise.  But the HS revealed something else beyond what I already know to be true.  Maybe “good success” isn’t defined by the standards I set for myself or that are projected on me through comparison: cooking, cleaning, m!nistering, being a wife, (someday) mothering.  If “good success” ends with me, it isn’t success.  Maybe “good success” for the day is just clinging hard to his steadfast love and faithfulness.  For me, it’s a battle to remember this, especially with the oppression and darkness that are at play where we live.  However, through the sp!ritual warfare, it has always held true that if we speak the name of J and acknowledge Him then the trust comes more easily despite what we feel or understand.  When we acknowledge who He is, His power, love, goodness, strength, then we are humbled and our eyes see clearly His trustworthiness.  Likewise, when we exercise trust in Him, we are acknowledging Him as Greater, as L0rd, the Shepherd of our path.  This is echoed in verses 7-8:

“7 Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the L0rd, and turn away from evil. 8 It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

This IS great success.  To see the Beautiful, Glorious One for who He is and to be in awe of it—then we see ourselves, sin, the enemy’s lies, and the finished work of J more clearly. 

For me, practically living out Prov. 3:1-8 means speaking out loud what I know to be True in order to silence the lies of the enemy.  It means choosing to call myself something besides a perfectionist, Type A, or whatever other tendencies I have because they are not my full identity.  It means reading the Book, not so that I can have something profound to share during fellowship time, but so that my mind is full of Good things.  It looks like distrusting my flesh and allowing Father to reveal the s!n that I don't see. For me, it means simplifying.  There are plenty of deep theological things to ponder and debate, and I think I could drive myself crazy questioning each of my actions and motives to the core, but what I really need today and everyday is just to look at J.